Yesterday, I finally got smart. I took a few minutes to analyze my typical response to my elderly husband trying to brush his teeth. Every morning, I think “this should be a simple freakin’ process, right? Just put some toothpaste on the brush, stick it in your mouth, and brush.” Instead, he pauses, examines the toothbrush, and says “this goes in my mouth?” I answer “yes” too loudly, with barely restrained impatience. He’s afflicted with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease, and intellectually I recognize his limitations.
Here’s the problem:
My emotional response to his failure at simple tasks instantly collides with a comparison to his once-quick, brilliant mind, and I can’t reconcile the two. He may often seem lucid, but I have to come to grips with the fact that he’s not. This is the way our days go.
As a caregiver, you must have felt some of the same frustration at times…even resentment…at the seemingly endless drudgery of caring for an elderly relative or friend who is ill with Alzheimer’s Disease or another type of dementia. Let’s face it: it’s one of the toughest, loneliest, least monetarily rewarding, and physically exhausting jobs imaginable. It can also be financially crushing.
What you’re experiencing is normal; there’s no reason to feel guilt or remorse because you’re convinced that you’re one of just a few caregivers who doesn’t have the self-discipline to put on a happy face every day. You’re not alone. You don’t have to apologize to anyone. In fact, you’re a hero. You have permission to get annoyed and frustrated because after all, you’re the one who has a 65 percent risk of acquiring dementia caring for an older person with this evil disease. You’re the person who puts up with the day-to-day routine, loss of sleep, and who may even have to quit your job to care for someone, with resulting financial hardship.
Here are five techniques I’ve learned as a caregiver that may be helpful to others in channeling frustration. It may protect your health and well-being and help deal with the emotional ups and downs of caregiving.
- Shake up your routine; when you’re helping an older adult with showering, brushing teeth, shaving, clipping nails, switching the routine around, and reordering tasks. It sometimes makes it easier to get unpleasant tasks out of the way, first.
- Use every shortcut you can, without sacrificing quality; it may give your more time to yourself. For example, if you’re helping with incontinence during the night, refigure how you’re doing it. Make a nighttime incontinence kit by gathering all the incontinence products that you’ll need: absorbent briefs, protective clothing, wipes, extra bed pads, extra sheets, change of clothes, skin care products, and trash bags for disposable products. Get your kit ready and place it near their bed so you don’t have to hunt for anything in the middle of the night. Take a couple of nights to observe when a diaper needs changing. If your loved one is ambulatory, head for the bathroom before they retire and once during the night; quit with liquids two hours before bedtime. Check out Nighttime Incontinence; the site provides an abundance of tips for dealing with nighttime problems.
- If you belong to a church, tap that as a resource for volunteers who can give you a break at least during the day.
- Join an online Alzheimer’s caregiver group. Start by calling Alz.org and ask for a referral. Speak to your internist or gerontologist about a referral; it’s a big help to talk to others who know exactly what you’re going through. During information-sharing sessions, we help each other with tips, and expressions of empathy, and otherwise enjoy good fellowship. The organization is a wealth of referral resources.
- If you live near a university with a medical school and research facility, call and ask if it has a diagnostic center for memory disorders. Nurse practitioners are often part of a medical team that provides counseling for patients and caregivers. They can be a huge help to people struggling with caregiver issues, including health concerns.
ALZ.org is home to Alzheimer’s Message Boards/Support, which invite visitors to engage with others experiencing similar emotional challenges dealing with elderly patients in cognitive decline. Just knowing people who are in the same boat is not only a comfort but can provide an abundance of shared solutions.
Talk to your family doctor if you feel your anger escalating in frequency or intensity. Or, if you feel you could become a danger to the person you’re caring for. Depression often manifests in anger, and your doctor will know how to treat it, or he or she will refer you to another professional.
We want to hear from you, so feel free to share tips, ideas, and resources for seniors with Grannybooster. Email me, Maris Somerville, at info@grannybooster.com
I can’t begin to tell you how much this resonated with me. Although, Scott didn’t have Alzheimer’s I did understand all of the frustration and today, I have so much guilt about some of my responses to his pain and suffering. I think sometimes, I was a bad wife, but Maris, there were times I just wanted him to just go away. Well, I now have that and it is not what I wanted, I just wanted “my Scotty B.” back. I know you must feel that way and let me tell you, it comes as no relief that he is gone now.
Thanks for writing this.